Everyone has a story but not everyone feels brave enough to share it. I finally do. Mine isn't about tragedy or suffering anymore. My story is about my journey of how I have chosen to walk through my adult life with Jesus, into my marriage, through ministry, through infertility, into motherhood, out of ministry, and now into my life I live today, raising my six children.
About three years ago I felt moved to do this (blog with intention), but I couldn't get past my inability to find time, and I thought that I didn't have anything to write about. I had blogged under a few different names for years but I was never consistent. Last summer, I felt a stirring inside of me again towards writing, but the idea of adding an intentional blog to my life seemed crazy. I felt led to step away from all social media for the last four months of 2013 to rest and reflect. In that time our family walked through some very emotionally difficult times. I was adjusting to our new normal (that was busy and loud) and praying through the stirrings inside of my heart. When I returned to social media in the new year, I was excited to see how God would lead me. I was shocked to be struck with fear in many areas of my life. I wouldn't call myself a fearful person but I guess like gray hairs they can pop up and permanently take residents unless addressed.
Through each evolving fear that had risen, God was speaking. I knew in the fall I was going to start a new blog and it would be different from what I have done. But I still wasn't certain of how that would look. I needed direction and in January in the midst of some of personal grief, and dealing with all those sudden fears, I knew I was to name my blog and be OK with calling myself a blogger.
Its so cool how God speaks to broken people and breathes life inside even when you feel insufficient. He is where I find my strength to get through my days and most of the time I am content with joy in the midst of my chaos because he has defined my value and purpose in Him. I am pretty open about my shortcomings normally, like I am terrible at cooking, I home school and I am not awesome at it, I sometimes fly off the handle at circumstances (growing so much here), my house is pretty messy all the time these days, the list is pretty endless. But this past winter I was faced with fears of things that gripped me and moved my emotions into a place of grief. I was certain that writing was the worst thing I should start doing.
Yeah, just like the enemy, the moment you decide to step out in faith or in some cases pursue a dream, it's not a surprise that everything blows up in your face and you feel worthless. (insert me<--------- here.) I didn't believe that I was worthless. Because I genuinely believe God exists and I deeply believe His word is true, and I have personally experienced the closeness of His presence... but my emotions were seriously out of my control. I pressed in and spent time with Him and waited to pursue when I would make this blog a public space.
When I didn't know what I was going to "blog" about, I felt this inner peace that in time I would be led what I would write about. I couldn't shake the stirring inside and one night in late January I finally pulled my computer out to just write all that was in my heart. I began to pray type, I would type written questions to God and my fingers would seriously seem to write back! Ok, not really (please don't think this is possible if you aren't in a place of discerning God's voice over yours!) I just knew God was pouring into my heart and giving me direction as I wrote.
I decided to find someone to design this platform for me and I stumbled upon a lovely soul named Danielle. She went beyond designing for me and she befriended me. I contacted her about doing this and over-shared my story and she embraced it and then designed this beautiful space. I just kept saying, I know God is doing something in me, and my only response is to be obedient.
So here it is, my courage may be small or foolish to some, but "MY COURAGE" is this... This blog.
I want to define it for you, I am not doing this so I can remember and I am not doing it for my kids someday, I hope they will be blessed to read the stories someday. I now know, I am writing my story that God has so gracefully led us through that I want to glorify Him and share it. I can remember joking in the pregnancy with my fifth baby. I said "wow, I have been through trying to conceive, IVF, surprise pregnancy and an unwanted pregnancy". I guess I have walked the gamut. In the book of proverbs it says:
"The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight". prov 4:7 Insight means this: the capacity to gain an accurate and deep intuitive understanding of a person or thing.
I have been given the gift of insight with so many of the ways you walk through becoming a mother. I didn't just have a large family easy. I waited for it, I fought for it, and I was given more than I even thought I was capable of handling. I carried my adopted baby, I have been changed because of the wisdom and insight God has given me through my journey.
The experiences and growth I have had in my life are meant to be shared. I haven't jumped on a plane with my family and gone to establish some ministry overseas (maybe someday) that is an act of obedience for those God leads to do that. I love the mission field, so don't get me wrong.
Sometimes after you radically fall in love with Jesus, you begin to think the life you are living isn't enough. That you should be doing more and giving more, or being more. I am here to say, that is not always true. I know being a stay at home mom, homeschooling my kids, and supporting my husband as he gets his masters is right where I am supposed to be. I see my children as my extension of pouring into this world right now, and I know the way my life is right now, will not be this way in a few short years. I embrace my "now" knowing I am not forgotten or unimportant. I am willing and long to be obedient. We are willing to be used in whatever way God desires to use us.
He is faithful to lead us in the big life changing moments and ever so faithful to lead us in small everyday ones. My time to begin writing is now, I am courageously following Jesus as He has led my heart to begin writing my story. So as I look back through my journey and reflect on all the ways God has led our path, I will write.
