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Sunday, May 18, 2014

My life change

Hi friend...

I had a post written about what Hedge and I decided as a couple before marriage about our family and I realized that I needed to start from my beginning...

I was raised in an unchurched home, with the brokenness of a failed marriage that turned my life upside down at the age of five. For seven years, I spent countless hours in the car going back and forth from one home that established very few rules, to another home that had established boundaries around how much air I could breathe. I learned early in life that two worlds existed. I learned quick how to do what I needed to get what I wanted in life.

I had a very controlling father. He loved me, but his love was conditional with high expectations. That quickly taught me that looking for acceptance and love was going to be found in the relationships I built in my life. When I turned 12, I was given the choice to choose where I lived. I chose the roof that allowed much more freedom with my mom. I made new friends that introduced me to illegal and inappropriate uses of my time. I was living for the moment without any regard to consequences.

I don't fault either of my parents for their lack of parenting because 1) they didn't have Jesus, and 2) they were doing what they were taught, "behave, don't ask questions, do well in school, get a job and settle down...and if you aren't happy get divorced". By age 13, I turned boyfriend crazy and gave up my purity so young because it was asked for. I gave of myself over and over again through all of my young teenage years. I was a bubbly free spirit on the outside and on the inside I would have grieving moments where my heart would cry out for belonging, security, and unconditional love. I kept myself busy so I could ignore it all.

I encountered the truth and love of Jesus at the age of 17, and something in my heart and mind broke. I can't explain the understanding that overcame my mind, but all of a sudden, I got it. He loved me. He pursued me.  I was worth a love that sacrificed. For the first time in my life I felt unconditionally loved. I wasn't threatened into Christianity because I was afraid of death, I was beckoned into living a life for Jesus here on earth because of his relentless love in dying for me. His passion took the pain of my sin, of my selfishness, of my pride, all of my junk and physically bleed for me. I was not the smartest student in school, but I knew trusting Jesus had nothing to do with my head and everything to do with my heart.  I instantly became one of those zealots that carried their bible around in my senior year of high school and preached the gospel. I wanted everyone, everywhere to know the Jesus I had fallen in love with.

As a 17 year old new christian, I was cared for so well by real people who lived out what scripture said. I was discipled. I was shown the love of Jesus through teaching, love, and encouragement. I was challenged to stop giving my heart away. I learned so much about what love and marriage was supposed to look like during that period of time. I went to a discipleship program the following year, that was a no-dating program and I soared under those boundaries. For the first time in my life I was content. I loved my single time with Jesus. I had no intentions of dating again. I was young and I learned that until I was ready to date towards marriage then I wouldn't give my heart away.

I met Hedge a few months shy of turning 20. He was not on my radar, but I am so incredibly thankful that He was God's plan for me. Hedge was a godly man with strong character. He was a gentleman to women and He was intentional about who he befriended. He didn't woo my heart with empty promises, he prayed for us every step of the way in our early dating days. God used him to bring healing to my heart through his gentle leading and reliance on Jesus. His vulnerability in Christ and desire to pray together for direction and leading drew my heart towards a life with him.

To young girls & Single women:

I am passionate about seeing teenage girls guard their hearts. For them to know they are worth being loved in a real way, by a real guy who would someday pursue their heart towards marriage. My encouragement to young girls who are still growing in their knowledge of Christ, in their understanding of who they are in Him, I say "hold on honey, give that heart of yours to Jesus to hold, let him be the caretaker of your emotions and your desires. He knows what you long for. His desires for your future are good.

To single women, you may be at an age or in a season where people all around are dating or getting married. Do yourself the greatest favor. Stop comparing. Stop looking at the details that give others what you long for and start looking right at Jesus. It may be an hourly task, that you have to train your heart and mind to do, but eventually you can find contentment in Him. But the gift of contentment comes with great surrender. When you give your desires over and you hide your heart in Jesus, you are being given the gift of peace. I pray you trust He is good enough to surrender your heart. Your heart is worth that trust.


Friday, May 9, 2014

"Our Dear Life"

Welcome. Thank you for coming and checking out what has been stirred within me over what's really been a three year journey. I have shared a little more depth about that in the "My Courage" page.

This is a place I plan to store my written heart. I have spent the past five months preparing to begin this new journey of intentional blogging. I have believed with passion in my heart that I am to write out of obedience. For weeks on end, I would be excited to see this come to fruition, then waves of thought would grip me into being certain that this was a foolish idea.

An anthem for my 33rd year of life is to be brave. So here I am, writing our story. Which is really a lot of little stories. Nothing in our adult life has been done without spending time praying over it, seeking God for wisdom and running to Him during great times and broken times. I am far from getting it all, nor will I ever, but what I have learned, I am committed to share, to take the time to reflect on the faithfulness of Jesus in our life. I have walked through many variations into motherhood and through each child I have had, I have experienced a growth in my love for Jesus and passion for parenthood.

I plan to write topically for awhile. I am going to go back to the beginning (or close to it) and share shorter versions of how we have walked through things. I will share how we decided on things, prayed through choices, and how our specific life circumstances have evolved us into who we are as parents.

I hope to write weekly, maybe more but only if I can get a handle on my new spring schedule (<--- baseball might be the death of me!). I won't share too much rambling about our current life unless I feel moved to share. This may not be a blog you throw in your blog feed, because it may not pertain to your season of life, but you are always welcome to read because my desire is to not just shine lights on our big little family. I wanna shout about why and how we are where we are today, its because we serve a faithful God. 

As you take the time to pop around here, if you know me, you will quickly see names that may be unfamiliar to you. That is intentional. I plan to make this space public and because of that, through a tug in my heart to set boundaries around my family, I will refer to each of us by nicknames. I will go by Honey around here for a few reasons, 1. because My Mr. has called me "honey" since we said "I Do". 2. is because Honey means "abundance" and I am abundantly filled in my life. But even more is, what is to come in my future years? An overflowing abundance of grandchildren!!! I already tell my kids that their kids will call me Honey someday! They think its so funny! I refer to My Mr. as Hedge. Because he is our hedge. You can read about it more on those pages above. I will tell you most of those pages are not short writings.

Take a few minutes to read a bit, but let me preface you with this, I love taking the time to pour my heart out through a written medium but I am not all that great at grammar. So I ask please give me grace, I have the perpetual habit of leaving out little words and then my punctuation could use some (probably a lot of) help! Maybe in a few years once I get to that phase in our home-school, maybe then my writing will evolve, but I am not writing a paper here I am sharing my heart which happens to be many small accounts of our story.

If you know anybody that is walking through a season of life similar to what we have been through feel free to share this with them. My heart aches for those longing to become mothers. I love praying for friends to conceive and the joy in finding out that they have brings faith to my heart.  Either way, whether you find encouragement, laughter or hope, my biggest desire is that you would step away wanting to trust Jesus a little more with your one and only dear life.