I wrote this post back in May, and I haven't opened up my blog since that day. I do not remember why I didn't just post it back then, but this morning I woke up feeling compelled to get the happenings on the inside of me out into writings. So I planned to write a more current happening in my life, yet when I read the draft to this, I realized how much I wanted this post to be remembered for myself... so I am sharing it. I haven't given up on this commitment but I would be lying if I said I have remembered it in the past month or so... This was a great reminder to me today to stay the course and commit to my vulnerability and grow. Enjoy...
I turned 34 in April (how have this many months passed?) For the past four years as my birthday has approached I like to spend time in reflection over what has happened through out the past year. Last year I was considerably excited to celebrate my birthday and even more excited to see where God would take me through out the next year.
Well last year came and went like Florida rain. It. Flew. By. In my time of reflection over my past year (back in April), I knew growth within me took place but it was hard to measure. One thing I have learned about me, is that when I spend a lot of time thinking, and I don't speak it out loud, or write it down, the thoughts move to emotions and the emotions get louder than truth. Not good. So I would like to share with you what I have begun to journey through...
At the end of March I had this thought run through my mind, it was sparked by reading a brief story about an older man in his late 70's early 80's. Now I couldn't tell you what in the world I read about this gentleman because this crazy thought bombarded my mind "Wow, when I am that old, I am going to have been with me, for a really long time!"
The thought kept going on, "Like, I will have been with me: all day, every day, for so long when I am that old! I will have been with me longer than with my kids, and possibly longer than with my hubs, (if he breaks the deal and dies before me!!)" "Man, I really hope like myself a lot by then, I should be my friend, I will be with me for the rest of my life."
This random tan-git going on in my head seemed silly at that moment, but as soon as the thoughts raced past, I knew they needed to be held on to. I pretty much pulled back the curtains to some serious subconscious thought patterns that I had no idea where inside of me. Its not like you grow up hearing "you should be a friend to you!" I mean you learn as early as you can to: share with others, forgive others, care for others... those are obviously good things! I wouldn't say that I dislike myself, but do I enjoy me? Encourage me? Believe in me? I could tell you without hesitation all my weaknesses but if I had to list my strengths about me, just the thought of doing that makes me squirm. I am my hardest critic. I expect so much of me but its all subconscious. Seriously I am so sick of living distracted. That's a huge part of it. If I wasn't so distracted in my crazy day to day life, then maybe I would be more self aware. So my time is now, this journey is before me...
That quick racing thought turned into my commitment for my 34th year of my life. I want to list with grace, my strengths and not feel as though I am being a prideful person. I want to see my worth fully in Jesus, yet like to be with me, when I am all by myself. I want to acknowledge the places of distraction that need to change. I want to be still enough to listen when I need to encourage instead of critique. So within days of me laying this vulnerable reality out before God and asking Him to lead me down this road, I was quickly encouraged to read Brene' Brown's "The Gifts of Imperfection."
It is easy to read something and think its good. Its hard to tarry on it. To stay there and allow God to continue His work within you. I mean seriously a "self help, Oprah book club, that's how He has begun to speak into my spirit: waves of change.'
Here are just a few highlights so far:
"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted Life: Loving ourselves"
"Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently towards what scares us."
"Belonging is the innate human desire to be apart of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance."
Until you read something like this you don't have to confront the statement and filter it within you and test it... Is this something I do well? Is this something I need to get better at? Do I live this out? I am of the camp of thought, that until I die, I want to continue to rip myself open before God and let Him have his way with me, this round is not easy.
Self worth. I am on your journey, a journey I didn't know I needed to take. I am looking to become the friend that I offer to the world around me, to me. I mean of course I am not excluding Jesus... He is easy to love, now I desire to love the me that He recklessly loves. I know how to love me through scripture, I can cover me (my heart/thoughts) in truth, but I don't want to just cover bad subconscious thinking anymore. I want to take the time to thought by thought, struggle by struggle and strength by strength become more authentic.
Oh and I wrestle with blogging consistently because of all this junk: hardest critic & extremely distracted with daily life. I won't say sorry about it anymore, I just won't. No more being hard on me for inconsistency, or fearing my own voice.... I am just going to choose compassion towards me.
here is to #becomingmyfriend.
If any of these things sparked something in you, I would love to encourage you with two things... don't ignore it, but bathe it in prayer. And second... join me if you feel led to walk this road too.
***Something I am not advocating here is trying to live my life without a Jesus at the helm. I choose Him always. Sometimes I forget to choose him First, but I always turn around with my heart positioned before Him. There is no better place to be.