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Thursday, May 16, 2019

four years later

Gosh, I can't even believe it has been four years since I posted anything on here. I was a terrible blogger. I was considering rebranding my blog and giving the website a fresh updated look. Including some new photos of our family of nine. I am not sure why I would do that, I have less interest to blog now that I did five years ago when I was very passionate to brand "Our Dear Life" and I really don't even know what content I would share about.

Today, I went back and read my few old posts that are on this blog & they make me laugh and warm my heart. My writing was quite a bit of rambling, but I wanted to write so bad. So I set my mind to make it happen... but why did I never make time for it?

I had blindspots about myself, that I just didn't understand. I have only just begun to to uncover more about myself in the last few months. I want to know why I don't follow through with things that I would like to do. I don't make consistent time for that which isn't urgent... a major issue I want to fix.
I long for a schedule yet living by one sucks the life out of me and it cause me live at an unattainable expectation.

I am just scratching the surface of seeing my shortcoming. I want to understand me better. ... It was interesting that I wrote almost four years ago about becoming my friend. I need a good friend in myself lately... I turned 38 in April 2019, we just came home from the climax of an incredible adoption journey that was faith filled and a testimony to be a part of, yet in the process I started down this Enneagram journey, a process to find myself and understand my motivations. I have not been easy on me as I have uncovered what I have over the past few months.

I don't plan to write about the Enneagram at this point, I am barely understanding it myself. I am not in position to share about it at this point... but here are some facts/truths about me right now:

I am passionate about our youngest baby's adoption journey.

I love living in California with all my heart.

I can't believe my oldest will turn 13 in a few months, it actually stirs grief.

I dream of owning a home in California, with tropical plants surrounding the landscape.

I have learned to name the stressors that bother me, to give space to those things that cause me worry.

I want to grow, even if it is ugly. It is ugly right now... this is a not a microwave transformation.

I am done now... I could vomit at the thought of not writing for another 4 years and how much older that makes my kids. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GROW UP SO FAST?

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